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Snow Thief
09 February 2012 @ 04:42 am
This journal is a personal blog, but I have no longer any use to hide anything from anyone.

I find my writing and my life too similar to be apart any longer but you can still find my stories archived here by character name and genre. Just use the tags.

Current Location: Orem, Utah
Current Mood: artisticartistic
Current Music: "Yours" by Lovex
Snow Thief
17 April 2011 @ 10:01 pm
Life is good.

That's...really all I need to say. :) But for those wondering, here's the real entry:

I'm emotionally...eh. And physically a little weary. But mentally I'm great!

I got a raise at work. Fifteen cents for six months of Wendy's. Eh, I'll take it! Means they like me.
I'm taking my application into Draper this week (a new Cinemark is opening just down State street and they're hiring. I'm even applying for management!).
This week has a payday.
I got more hours!
I'm creatively ACTIVE! :D:D:D:   http://snowthief.blogspot.com   <--check it out. A blog for my creativity!
I've got my bills lined up.
The weather is getting better!
I'm running our store more than our actual GM is.

I guess I'm just really excited about getting the film back on track. This is something I want so much, something I dream of all the time.

Today at work I was supposed to be on Reg 3 (that's the second window in Drive-thru, where you get your food :P). But Mike wanted me to train Michael on taking orders at Reg 4 (first window) so that he could be up front later. Michael did really well, I stayed by him while he took the orders. Mike (the GM) coordinating the orders, Amanda did sandwiches, Randell was on grill and Kris was front counter. A decent team, sure.

Then Amanda had to do lettuce so I was on sandwiches and Kris was off work so Michael was up front. But Amanda had never done lettuce before and Michael was new to front counter. So between sandwiches in drive-thru, I showed Amanda how to properly do lettuce and gave Michael a tour of front counter and his responsibilities there. When Rich got in, he took over sandwiches so I could do a salad count and make salads.

By the end of the day, Mike (our GM) told me to forget my drawer, since he used it more than I did, I couldn't be held responsible for any discrepancy in the cash. I finished salads and went home. XD I REALLY like being in charge, but I don't get paid for it.

At home, I sat straight down and started on the script! Hence, the blog. That blog ( http://snowthief.blogspot.com ) keeps up with my creative process and what I'm working on. So, follow it! 'cause I don't feel like repeating myself :P

Wednesday or Thursday, Jason and I are going to get together and get some choreography done for hte fight scenes so I know what I want in the movie. I might stop into Cinemark in Orem and see Brett at work.
Thursday,  I've got plans to see Allen

I'm trying to spend my days off in the Orem/Provo area because I've neglected the friends that I have down there (because so many [Sabi, Vexy] moved up here!).
Current Location: Sandy, UT
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: "Beautiful" by 10 Years
Snow Thief
31 March 2011 @ 02:45 am
Being with someone else actually feels -wrong-. Just holding someone, feeling someone. Wrong.
Completely, utterly, "All the ways this is different" - wrong.
I cringe at every touch of a hand that isn't his. I long for every word to be from his voice.
I thought I had been in love before. But this level, this feeling of love, is so different....

I'm scared.
I don't know anything about this. This is new. This makes everything else feel wrong. This is...frightening.
And worst of all, I just want someone here to comfort me. But the only one I could accept would be him.

Will this go away? Will I be okay? Will I be able to move on if he can't find his love for me again?
Current Location: Sandy, UT
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: computer fans
Snow Thief
28 March 2011 @ 12:25 am
It takes three words to say I love you, I miss you. And silence to say you don't.

There will be no rebound. There will be no anger. I know I can't hold on forever, but I've yet to let go of the love I have.

I hope you find yours. If you could feel how much it hurts, to love someone who has stopped loving you....
He says he wishes he could help how he feels - but then says it's a possibility to come back.
He says he wants to step back to being friends - but there never was just a friends part.

I wanted him, I got him. I loved him, I've lost him.

A week and a half later and the pain is still fresh.
I can't face our friends together, because I can't pull myself together to answer the questions - What happened? Why? Do I need to kick his ass?
I can't...accept...that this happened.

Does love just vanish? Where is its cataclyst?
Current Location: Sandy, UT
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: "Downfall" by Matchbox 20
Snow Thief
17 March 2011 @ 02:10 am
Do not understand anything less than what they have been through.

Yes. Chuck and I are split.
Yes, it hurts like hell.

And right now: I just don't -care- about anyone's advice or anything people have to say. I'm hurting, I want to deal with this in my own way. If I tell you how I'm feeling, it's probably because you asked. But it does not mean that I'm going to care if you've been here before or if you have some advice.

I'll care later. But right now, at this very second, I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep. I want to focus on getting over this pain and the only way I can do that is if I'm not pressured by my friends to think about their advice or what they feel is best for me.

Current Location: Home (Sandy, UT)
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Kendaw in Vent
Snow Thief
23 February 2011 @ 09:56 pm
I like knowing things - how things work, why things are, what things do - every little thing, I like to know. I don't have to, I like to.
I like understanding.

I wouldn't be so jealous, so worried, so cautious, if you'd just answer my questions without getting defensive, upset, angry.

You got angry, pissed, ticked off that I -asked-. And yes, I kept asking more questions. Because I like to understand. I may not agree, and I'll state my mind - but I thought you liked my independence? I never asked you to do anything.

Text does not convey emotion or intention, a lesson I've seen many times. But I thought we were sturdier than that. I thought you could understand that I just like knowing, understanding.

Knowing why you keep pictures, knowing why you keep chats or journals. Understanding the reasons. I don't make assumptions on things in life, I let things get explained. So, I ask questions to get those explanations.

And nearly every time, you get defensive like I've tried to take an axe to your neck.

Defensive, angry - whatever you do, you make it worse. When you fight my questions, you show a guilty conscience and that is the only thing I really worry about. Is why you think you should be defensive.

I just like knowing.
I just like to understand.
Current Location: Alone.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: "Breath No More" by Evanescence
Snow Thief
13 February 2011 @ 01:34 am
Today was just another night at anime night. We watched anime ("Angel Beats!"), though we had chili instead of sushi. The anime was good, the chili was spicy. Moreso than I like, but the majority liked it.

Though on the way home, I had another distorted fit again. Like the ones I used to have in my high school years. I don't think I've mentioned them, so here's a recap:

It's a feeling of being buzzed, but the clarity of an eagle's eye. I can see colors vibrantly, but I can't focus and my feeling is completely distorted. I have no emotional output. My thought processes are chaotic, but creative. I can hold conversations as long as the context is fictional, one-sided, and has something to do with a story idea.

For example? I had an amazing idea about my character Akiarious's past, and I had an entire one-sided conversation with myself that solves the problem I've been having with re-writing that roleplay's opening between her and Senshi.

I've heard that there's a fine line between genius and insanity, since the IQ chart is a circle. Where...does this put me?

I am concerned that people may believe I'm crazy. And the first sign that most people find is the fear of people believing they're crazy.

My creativity is holding my senses hostage, but my creativity is being blocked by things in my life. My stress.

How long can I hold on like this? I'm kind of scared. Okay, I'm really scared.
Current Location: Home (Sandy, UT)
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Chuck sleeping.
Snow Thief
13 January 2011 @ 09:27 pm
I'm not sure how I feel about this new Zodiac chart.

Personally, people are too "But I -am- this sign!". For lack of a better description.

Astrology is based on the earth's rotation and what star constellation you were born under - Sure it seems to effect the personality of people born under the same signs but exact time and date and heredity make us different.

Astrology doesn't give two damns - or even one - if you think one sign fits you better. If astronomers can prove that this new sign ("Ophiuchus") is legitimately a new Zodiac sign (because it's all still speculation according to...well, everything I can find so far), then I'll stand by that I'm an Aries but my personality fits more of the Taurus - because that IS the sign I was born under.

This change is given by the Earth's rotation changing with the sun's gravity. So...on that note: People. Please. Shut. Up.

If you are -currently- born (and if you're posting, I hope you are), you're still the sign you were born under. Because you're already Born.

Astrological Zodiac signs are assigned based on the star you are born under. If you've been born, yo...u're already whatever you were born under. These new changes technically shouldn't effect you.

But who listens to technicality anymore. /shrug.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: The Break-Up on TV and Vent.
Snow Thief
06 January 2011 @ 05:59 pm
A severe lack of "me" time has limited my ability to write anything. Even a decent Facebook status -  "now i'm in teh shower! hurhur" sounds better than half the stuff I've put up recently.

I'm supposed to be finishing a script by now. ANY script. ANY piece of prose. What do I have done? Nothing more than the original 12-page "Abandonment" segment. But we're supposed to be casting soon, and filming in two and a half months.

My procrastination, laziness, or writer's block - whatever you want to call it - is bashing away at my dreams. It's depressing, which puts me further into a funk of not wanting to write.

It doesn't help that I miss having a work station. An actual desk to sit at and just stare at a notebook or type random phrases until I can string them together into a story. The best I have right now is sitting on the floor in front of a table. The TV distracts me, Chuck distracts me.

I need....a desk, in a corner of an empty room. A stack of empty notebooks, my phone, a bed, new pens and pencils, my laptop, and my container of writing supplies (which contains folders of things I've finished, including some really good ideas I should work on). I need no one around me, lock me in and give me food when I call for it. I need room to dance or act, and a stereo to play music.

That's it. It's pretty simple. Common things - a desk, a bed, something for music, and my writing supplies. Lock me in for a week or so and see what I can come up with.

That's what High School felt like. Locking myself in my room, creating one thing after another. I was a genius back then compared to my ability now. I know I haven't lost it - I can see hints of it. So how do I pull this back out short of locking myself away?
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: None
Snow Thief
04 January 2011 @ 12:56 am
I'm internalizing.

I can't find the courage, the strength, the words. I can't find my voice. What the hell. It's so simple, I just need his reassurance.

What makes me different?
Current Location: I'm not sure....
Current Mood: crushedcrushed